


The Letter

by Alyson



Series: 101 Ways to Fall [15]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, Post Pike's Funeral, Post-Star Trek: Into Darkness, canon compliant death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-08
Packaged: 2020-11-27 19:59:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20954078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alyson/pseuds/Alyson
Summary: After Pike's funeral, Jim receives a box of mementos, and a letter.





	The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> Having a little trouble with my WIP, but I thought I'd post this in the mean time. The other will eventually get done :)

When all was said and done, when Kahn was put back on ice and taken who knows where by Starfleet Security, when the Enterprise limped into space dock and repairs began, when Jim woke up and was well enough to leave the hospital, when all the funerals were held and the letters written and flags and condolences delivered to families (and his heart was torn out over and over again), Kirk was left sitting alone in his San Fran condo, holding an untouched glass of bourbon and staring at a letter. An honest to god, handwritten, paper letter. (Sometimes Jim sat down and wrote things out by hand, his neat, looping cursive in his native English and his clear, block print Standard reassuring him he still could, despite all the computers.)

Pike's will had been read, in a cozy Starfleet office in the Legal building, by a balding officer, in front of several people, 'fleet and civilian. Jim had met his very first First Officer, she and Spock old friends, as well as others who knew the man before he had become Jim's mentor. Bones had been there, as well, a reassuring presence at his side the whole time, a large, warm hand on his shoulder, his arm, and at one point clutching his hand as his emotions got away from him. (Or maybe it had been Bones crying and needing reassurance, he didn't know anymore.) They all walked out with a box containing whatever had been left to them. It wasn't unusual for a Starfleet officer's possessions to be small enough to be carried away by a small group in boxes no bigger than one of Scotty's tool boxes. (His was just cumbersome enough to need both hands, but not so heavy as to be difficult to carry home. He felt it should weigh more, Pike's life.)

Of course there was property, left to the few family members Pike boasted of, including Philip Boyce, a man Jim had never met but Bones seemed to know and be fairly close to. His friend had squeezed his shoulder when the meeting was done and whispered in his ear he would be getting a drink with the older doctor, that he'd catch up with him later. Jim understood; he was hardly the other man's only friend or colleague. He fought down a bitter jealousy he refused to name, a petulant, childish voice that whined 'he's my friend, he's supposed to be with me having a drink.' Instead, he sat, facing the box alone.

With a sigh, Jim set his drink down, untouched and opened the box, revealing several knick knacks; artifacts from alien bazaars from all over the recently explored galaxy, along with souvenirs from around his own planet. He pulled them out, one by one, noting the labels on the undersides, Pike's neat handwriting in Standard explaining where they had come from, when he had gotten them. Under them, a good thirty of them that Jim was already thinking of places for in his own condo, was a slim journal in black with the Starfleet logo on the cover. Jim didn't have to feel the pages to know they would be synth-paper, not the real stuff. The only real paper was to be found in old books, like the book of poetry that was beside the journal.

“ 'All I need is a tall ship...,” he whispered fondly, holding it in his hand for a moment before putting it on top of the journal and looking at the final thing in the box. An envelope, with his name on it.

He picked it up with reverence, turning it in his hands and inspecting all corners. The envelope didn't reveal any of its mysteries, though. Even after flipping it over several times, it was still a stark white envelope containing nothing but his name. He finally stopped on the back and popped the envelope open, pulling out several sheets of the same stuff that made up the journal, also covered in Pike's neat handwriting, this time in English, their shared language. He picked his drink back up and took a deep drink before reading.

_Dear Jim,_

_Well, I'm gone. I'm not going to speculate on how it happened – there's so many ways it could have happened, from in the line of duty to something completely mundane. All I hope is that everyone I've left behind is doing well, is happy, and isn't sad. I had a full life, a happy life, and I have no regrets. _

_I'm sitting here on my back deck. It's early morning and I'm enjoying a cup of coffee and contemplating death, of all things. It comes to us all, one way or another, and I don't fear it, at least not anymore. I think I've made peace with my life after facing down Nero and giving the Enterprise to you. Now it's just a matter of doing the responsible thing; leaving some last thoughts for those I care about and not leaving it up to my loved ones to figure out what to do with my stuff. If I'm lucky, I'll reevaluate all of this in twenty year's time and have to rewrite all of these letters._

_You'll have seen all the mementos I've left you from my travels. They are the physical representations of all the memories I have of my many adventures. There is a journal included, detailing the actual memories behind each one. I don't know how many I've acquired at the point of writing this letter, but there were twenty one when I gave the Enterprise to you and Phil and I planned to travel our home world after that, something I haven't done yet. In reality, there are many, many more. Phil's always complained of my collecting habits. Well, it just means I get to leave a set with him as well as everyone else. I hope you like them._

_Also is a book of poetry from my favorite author, one I believe you have an appreciation for as well. It's rather old, a reprint from 2096, around the time we were veering away from using real paper but some books, special editions like that one, were published using what was left. After all, they couldn't put it back on a tree. That makes it special to me, not just for the content, but for that connection to the end of an era, where Humanity had finally stopped abusing our beautiful world for its 'resources.'_

_Now I'm supposed to give you words of wisdom. I don't know that I have any. All I can tell you is to live like I have, but your version of it. Do all the things you want to do, don't put them off. Love to your fullest. And I don't mean the way you did in the Academy, though I am glad you got that out of your system and found your happiness in a man that, like my Phil, will follow you on your adventures and love you with no reservations, despite how hard it is to love men like us. We're two lucky sons of bitches, Jim, never forget that._

_Though I will say, I think your Bones won't do like my Phil did, and abandon you for a promotion. That's a joke, son, no one was abandoned, and not that I blame him. Hell, never been prouder than that moment he came and told me he'd been offered Head of Starfleet Medical and he was taking it. I half expected him to ask me to go dirtside with him, but I think he knew it was too soon for me. I won't be surprised if McCoy gets offered his position when Phil retires, and turns it down if you're not ready to leave the black. You get into more trouble than I did. That, son, is not a joke, but I'm still laughing about it, as I'm sure you are, too. No, your doctor needs to keep a closer eye on you than mine does, though Phil may not feel that way right now with me still using a cane to get around._

_If Nero hadn't have happened, I think Phil would have asked me to give up my ship and take a promotion within a year or so. And I would have. If he had asked me to leave when he did, I would have gone, but he knows me well enough to have not asked then. Don't tell Leonard no. Don't ever let him believe that ship means more to you than he does. We both love her, but she won't keep you warm or tend to your aches and pains. She can't love you back. So when Leonard's ready to go, go with him. These last few months actually living full time with Phil again have been an eye opener. I didn't even realize how much I missed him. So, when McCoy says he's ready, say you are, too. I would have if it had ever come down to Phil telling me._

_Good luck, son. Knowing you has been an adventure all on its own. I'm proud I did._

_Christopher Pike_

Jim stared at the letter as well as he could with his vision blurring from the tears in his eyes. He wiped at his face roughly and put it down on the table only to pick up his drink and finish it off. Pike thought he and Bones were lovers. Pike had had a lover. He had no idea. Was he so blind? And Bones... Pike was so certain. No questions asked. It wasn't said as an assumption but with the simplistic conviction of a man that has no reason to believe he might be wrong. If Jim could ask him (oh, he wished he could ask him even one more thing because that would mean he wasn't gone) he might even say 'You told me. Didn't you? I could have sworn...' The letter made it seem like a fact.

Jim knew how he felt; maybe he was obvious. Maybe everyone, right that very moment, assumed he and McCoy were sharing a bed, a life, and thinking no more of it because it wasn't news. Maybe it wasn't news because Jim couldn't stop hanging off of Bones, never let it be a secret that he intended for the other man to serve on the same ship, always be by his side... and Bones never objected, not really. Never even shook him off when he wouldn't let go of his arm. Yes, Jim knew how he felt, but Bones... were there signs of how he felt? So many signs....

With a steady hand, a steadiness that one measly drink could not penetrate, Jim picked up his comm, turned to a private channel, and called his friend before his nerve left him. His newly acquired nerve. The last thing, the most important thing, Pike had left him.

“Bones? I need to talk to you. Can you come over?”

“_You alright, Jim?”_

“I'm fine,” Jim sighed, his heart lifting at hearing the other man's voice. “I just want to talk to you about something.”

“_Oh. Sounds like we might be on the same page. I'll be right over.”_

Jim wasn't sure what he meant by that, but he hoped it was true, none the less.

*~*~*~*~*

“I served as his CMO, too, before the promotion to Head of Starfleet Medical,” was the first thing Boyce said to McCoy after they got their drinks at the bar and sat down at a table. The first thing after a steadying breath, a sip, another breath, another sip. He was going to need another drink. McCoy motioned to a waiter. “Hardest thing I ever did, leaving him on that ship without me. Knew he was going to do something stupid. It was such a relief when he came back only a little beat up, injuries that would eventually heal. I was so glad he took that promotion. Then, then. Damn him!”

McCoy just nodded. He knew what the other man meant. Then he took the ship back.

“Some times I blame Kirk,” Boyce quietly admitted.

Leonard's hackles rose at that. His brow drew together and he opened his mouth to cry foul, but he was forestalled by the wave of a hand and an apologetic, sad frown.

“I know it's not his fault. I don't actually blame him. Just sometimes, in my darker moments.”

Leonard nodded sadly at this, and took a sip of his own drink, knowing what he meant and knowing there was no harm towards his friend.

“It's just, if Kirk hadn't been.... himself,” here Boyce laughed, and it wasn't humorless like some would expect. It was full of a fondness that McCoy was all too familiar with. Another person that Jim had charmed, no matter how little contact they'd had or how annoying the other doctor might have found him. “If he hadn't been that brash, fly by the seat of his pants young captain we all knew he'd be, Chris would have never felt compelled to take the ship back. And it was for Jim he did it.”

“Wha'd'ya mean?” McCoy asked, his first words since ordering a drink. Tonight felt like an economy of speech night.

“They wanted to send Kirk back to the Academy. Chris all but begged them not to, to make him a commander instead, leave him on the Enterprise. He knew all sending that young man back would do was crush his spirit. He was informed that no captain would accept him as their second. So, he volunteered. I can't blame Jim entirely, though. Chris was bucking for the chance to get back out into space.”

They sat quietly, each staring at their drinks, Phil rolling his glass in his hands, watching the dim light of the bar they had found themselves in reflecting inside the amber liquid.

“It was great, for awhile, having him dirtside,” he continued after awhile. “While he was healing, going through physical therapy, he seemed content. Content to sit on the back deck in the early mornings with a cup of coffee and tell me what he had going on for the day, to listen to me tell him what I was up to. To meet for lunch, to cook dinner, to sleep in on weekends and meet friends in the afternoon. Go to the occasional party, some better than others. To have dinner waiting for me if I had a late surgery. Even travel a little.”

“I honestly didn't know you two were living together,” Leonard admitted, feeling even more sorrow for his mentor and friend. “I'm so sorry.”

“Thanks, but I know you felt bad enough when you thought we were just friends,” Phil smiled. “I know you know what that kind of pain feels like, and at least I'm not suffering any 'what if's. No, me losing my lover isn't any more painful than the pain you went through when you thought you'd lost Jim for good. And besides, I've made peace with Chris being gone, and I knew I'd lost him before he ever died. I lost him when he decided to go back out there. I was even thinking of moving closer to Starfleet Medical.”

The silence wasn't as easy as it had been before. Phil downed a second drink with the energy of a man who had just admitted something out loud for the first time. Leonard sat in shock, staring at his still full second drink, trying to process that he had just been told that his mentor had loved his own captain, had lived with him for years, had been his lover, his partner, and in the next breath had admitted that he was planning to leave him.

“Earth was never his home, not like it's mine,” Phil continued, voice raspy from emotion or drink. Or both. “He belonged to the stars. Which is why I was making plans to let the stars have him, if he didn't come back home after this tour.”

“Did you tell him?” Leonard asked before he could stop himself. Something in him needed to know the answer, despite how horrible, how much of a train wreck this conversation was becoming. “Did you tell him you'd leave if he didn't? Did you give him the choice?”

“I would have,” Phil nodded, the first signs of moisture appearing in his eyes since the reading of the will that afternoon. “It wasn't the right time. I didn't want him going out with that hanging over his head. But, when his mission was nearing it's end, I was going to. I was going to tell him, whether Kirk was ready to be on his own or not, I wanted him to come home to stay. I only wish I knew what he would have said.”

They sat, lost in their own thoughts long enough that the waiter came by again, refreshing their drinks, only to return later to find that their glasses were still full. He knew enough to not disturb the two quiet, somber men. Finally, Boyce took a deep breath and looked up at McCoy.

“So, what about you?” he asked him. “Some day, hopefully not too soon, I'll be retiring. Unless something happens, some other medical genius comes along that outshines even you, you're well on your way to becoming the number one choice for my replacement.”

“Well, it better not be for a very long time,” McCoy snorted. “I ain't leaving the Enterprise until Jim does.”

“So you're making a different decision than I did,” Phil nodded. “Good. I've often wondered if things would have been different if I had had your fortitude for space travel.”

Leonard couldn't help but laugh at that. If he had a drink in his mouth he would have spat it everywhere.

“Lord, I hate space,” he admitted, shaking his head. “But if I don't stick by that man child's side, he's going to get himself in a fix he won't be able to get out of and I'll be damned if I'm not there to help him.”

“That's the fortitude I'm talking about,” Phil countered, pointing at him. “You hate it, but you'll still be by your lover's side, no matter what.”

“Now, hold on there,” McCoy choked, actually sputtering this time. “Jim's my best friend, but my lover he is not.”

“Really? I find that surprising. There's a lot of people in Starfleet who would call me a liar if I told them. They'd say you two were just being 'discreet'. Hell, are you son? Chris and I never advertised it.”

“No, I swear to you, Jim and I are not in a romantic relationship of any type.”

“Well, that's a shame.”

The scowl reappeared on McCoy's face and he slammed back his drink with more force than what was entirely necessary.

“What?” he asked. “What do you mean by 'that's a shame'?”

“It's a shame. Your dedication and loyalty to him is only shadowed by his to you. With Jim Kirk in your corner, no one would dare cross you, especially after this latest win. He just uncovered a conspiracy that could have destroyed Starfleet. And he severed its head. Starfleet Medical already wants you, but Kirk won't let you go. He would if you asked him to, I'm sure. But you never will. Sounds like love to me. Why be alone if you don't have to?”

“It's not as easy as all that,” McCoy protested.

“Isn't it?”

The two men stared at each other for a moment, one with an eyebrow raised in challenge, the other with wide eyed panic. Finally, Phil broke the standoff with a sigh.

“As hard as losing Chris is, I can't imagine the pain if I had never allowed myself to love him. The regret I would have had if we had never been together, the questions that would have hovered around me the rest of my days. We had a rough time of it at times, and it may not have lasted even if he had survived this last mission, but I wouldn't trade any of it, not one moment of time I had with him. Anyone can see what you and Kirk have. Don't let it slip through your fingers. If you never listen to a word of advice from me, please at least take this to heart – don't leave anything undone, minimize your regrets. Start by telling that boy how you feel.”

“I...”

Whatever Leonard would have said was interrupted by his comm chirping. He almost felt as if the universe was tilting around him when he noticed it was Jim calling him, on a private channel, not an official one. It was almost as if talking about him had summoned him. He flipped it open, still not feeling real.

“_Bones? I need to talk to you. Can you come over?”_

“You alright, Jim?” he asked, suddenly feeling concerned by the tone of Jim's voice. He sounded like he might have been crying.

“_I'm fine. I just want to talk to you about something.”_

And he heard it. Now that he was listening for it... Jim sighed over the words the moment McCoy spoke, as if his voice was all the other man needed to feel more light of heart, and his next few words were airy and content. It was incredible the emotion the man could put into such few, such ordinary, words. He looked up and saw that Boyce was giving him a knowing smile. How could he have not known?

“Oh. Sounds like we might be on the same page. I'll be right over.”

He closed his communicator without waiting for a reply, stood up, gave Phil a quick hug and a whispered 'thank you,' then dashed out of the bar and to Jim's condo.

*~*~*~*~*

Later, after confessions were made, first kisses were traded and a few tears were shed (too much of that was going on, they decided), Jim and Bones sat together on Jim's sofa, curled together, and Bones read the letter that Pike had left for him.

“His letter to me just asked that I keep taking care of you,” McCoy laughed quietly. “Didn't think anything of it, because I don't need to be told to do that. How did everyone know before us?”

“We're dumb?”

“Now, we both know that's not true.”

“We're dumb about this,” Jim countered, raising their joined hands and kissing the other man's cheek.

“OK, maybe it is,” Bones grinned, and kissed Jim on the mouth, pulling back before it could get heated (things would get very heated 1.24 hours later). “Can I let Phil read this? I don't know why it wasn't in his letter, maybe Pike just thought he knew, but there's an answer to a question he had in yours. I think Phil really needs to know.”

“Of course. Can it wait until tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Wanna stay over?”

“Always.”

*~*~*~*~*

Phil was relieved to find out there was an answer to his question, and it was a good one. They would have always been together.


End file.
